English Grammar (for fun) Rules
Robin Leech
robinl at CONNECT.AB.CA
Thu Mar 25 15:30:45 CST 1999
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Several people have asked for this, so, inspite of Petra's comment, here =
it is. =20
Everything from the Bold Face Print downward is what I hand out to my =
students.
=20
Here is a list that I hand out to my students each year. Each year, I =
modify it slightly when I find a new or a better "rule" than I had =
before. You may use any part or all of this, you may translate it into =
any language, as you wish. The alliteration one may not work, but you =
can experiment with your own. I suggest combining those from my list =
from those on the list you presented to make up a special one of your =
own.
=20
HOW TO WRITE REAL SWELL
=20
Several years in the word game have learnt me several rules to write =
real swell with.
=20
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not good words to end a sentence with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (Besides, they're old hat.)
=20
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
=20
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not a propos.
=20
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate =
quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
=20
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's =
highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
=20
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
=20
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
=20
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. It is said that over 60% of statistics are wrong.
=20
And the prime rhetorical question, "How would you know if a word were =
misspelled in dictionaries?"=20
Now, I cannot put the accents on the French words, so you will have to =
do this. Know also that it is really perfectly correct to split the =
infinitive, and, to end a sentence with a preposition. I can quote you =
high-quality sources if you need them.
=20
Though I am a biologist (I work on spiders), I teach hard-core English =
(grammar, syntax, etc.) in a biology department. I try to make the =
learning of good English use a fun thing, not a threat thing, to my =
students. For this reason, for example, I have the students examine a =
number of my Doubles Entendres (examples: "It's hard working under a =
woman." and "Eat here, get gas."), then have them make some for me. =20
=20
My purpose in this is that they believe that they are always writing in =
clear English. I point out to them that "what you write and your =
intended meaning may not be what the other person reads, and it may not =
be interpreted the way you had in mind". Here are two excellent =
examples from my students:
=20
Mike and I saw the deer in the clearing, so I killed him.
It is better to play with a group than with yourself.
=20
Enjoy, Robin
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<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2></FONT><FONT color=3D#000000 =
size=3D2>Several people=20
have asked for this, so, inspite of Petra's comment, here it is. =20
</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2><BR></FONT><FONT face=3DArial =
size=3D2>Everything from=20
the Bold Face Print downward is what I hand out to my=20
students.<BR></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Here is a list that I hand out to my =
students=20
each year. Each year, I <FONT color=3D#000000>modify </FONT>it =
slightly when=20
I find a new or a better "rule" than I had before. You =
may use=20
any part or all of this, you may translate it into any language, as you=20
wish. The alliteration one may not work, but you can experiment =
with your=20
own. I suggest combining those from my list from those on the list =
you=20
presented to make up a special one of your own.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 =
size=3D2> =20
<STRONG>HOW TO WRITE REAL SWELL</STRONG></FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2><STRONG></STRONG></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Several years in the word game have =
learnt me=20
several rules to write real swell with.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>1. Avoid alliteration. =20
Always.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>2. Prepositions are not good =
words to end=20
a sentence with.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>3. Avoid cliches like the =
plague. =20
(Besides, they're old hat.)</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>4. Employ the =
vernacular.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>5. Eschew ampersands & =
abbreviations,=20
etc.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>6. Parenthetical remarks =
(however=20
relevant) are unnecessary.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>7. It is wrong to ever split =
an=20
infinitive.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>8. <FONT =
color=3D#000000>Contractions=20
</FONT>aren't necessary.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>9. Foreign words and phrases =
are not a=20
propos.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>10. One should never=20
generalize.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>11. Eliminate =
quotations. As Ralph=20
Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you =
know."</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>12. Comparisons are as bad as=20
cliches.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>13. Don't be redundant; don't =
use more=20
words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>14. Profanity =
sucks.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>15. Be more or less =
specific.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>16. <FONT =
color=3D#000000>Understatement=20
</FONT>is always best.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>17. Exaggeration is a=20
billion.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>18. One-word sentences? =20
Eliminate.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>19. Analogies in writing are =
like feathers=20
on a snake.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>20. The passive voice is to be =
avoided.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>21. Go around the barn at high =
noon to=20
avoid colloquialisms.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>22. Even if a mixed metaphor =
sings, it=20
should be derailed.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>23. Who needs rhetorical=20
questions?</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>24. It is said that over 60% =
of statistics=20
are wrong.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>And the prime rhetorical question, =
"How=20
would you know if a word were misspelled in=20
dictionaries?"</FONT> </DIV>
<DIV> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Now, I cannot put the accents on the =
French=20
words, so you will have to do this. Know also that it is really =
perfectly=20
correct to split the infinitive, and, to end a sentence with a=20
preposition. I can quote you high-quality sources if you need=20
them.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Though I am a biologist (I work on =
spiders), I=20
teach hard-core English (grammar, syntax, etc.) in a biology =
department. I=20
try to make the learning of good English use a fun thing, not a threat =
thing, to=20
my students. For this reason, for example, I have the students =
examine a=20
number of my Doubles Entendres (examples: "It's hard working under =
a=20
woman." and "Eat here, get gas."), then have them make =
some for=20
me. </FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>My purpose in this is that they =
believe that=20
they are always writing in clear English. I point out to them that =
"what you write and your intended meaning may not be what the other =
person=20
reads, and it may not be interpreted the way you had in =
mind". Here=20
are two excellent examples from my students:</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2> Mike and I saw =
the deer in=20
the clearing, so I killed him.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2> It is better to =
play with a=20
group than with yourself.</FONT></DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2></FONT> </DIV>
<DIV><FONT color=3D#000000 size=3D2>Enjoy, =
Robin</FONT></DIV></BODY></HTML>
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