Definitely not PC: buncho Humor

[Chris Chandler]

>"Construction site"
>An Italian, Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
>site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the
>Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in
>charge of shovelling". To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of
>supplies".
>"Now, I have to leave for  a little while. I expect you guys to make a
>dent in that pile."
>So the manager goes away for  a couple of hours. And when he returns,
>the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you
>sweep any of it?
>The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom.  You said the Chinese
>guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't
>find him."
>So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
>The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the
>Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him."
>The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
>looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
>behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
>
>=========
>
> A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls
> into a mud hole and is sinking.  He calls to the chicken to go and
> get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.  The chicken runs
> to the farm but the farmer can't be found.  So he drives the farmer's
> Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
> He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse,
> and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
>
> A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow
> again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.  The chicken yelled
> to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.  The horse
> said, "I think I can stand over the hole!"  So he stretched over
> the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull
> yourself up."  And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
> The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't
> need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
>=======
>
>Boy and his Father
>
>A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having
>a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK?  The son
>replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died.  The
>father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
>The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
>
>One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
>goodnight.  His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
>his son.  The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had
>died.  The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him
>to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
>
>One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him
>goodnight.  His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes
>his son.  The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died.
>The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
>
>The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The
>next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die.
>After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision.
>He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.  He avoids
>everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed.  He jumps at every
>noise,starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
>
>Upon walking in his front door, he finds his wife.  "Good God, Dear," he
>proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
>
>She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on
>the doorstep this morning".
>
>=======
>
>Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
>The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have
>bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both
>arms and  both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom
>for the rest of her life."
>Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
>The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
>
>=======
>
>A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as
>President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice
>that the President has a pig under each arm. The Agent salutes and says,
>"Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
>Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas
>Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
>The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
>
>=======
>
>A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a
>pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the
>parish
>priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a
>mass for the poor creature?"
>
>Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal
>in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down
>the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll
>do something for the animal."
>
>Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is
>enough to donate for the service?"
>
>Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
>
> -----
>
>A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their
>car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears
>that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in
>this
>town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
>
>PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
>circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll
>sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
>
>SISTER: I think that would be okay.
>
>They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
>Ten minutes later...
>
>SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
>
>PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
>
>Ten minutes later...
>
>SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would
>mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
>
>PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own dam blanket.
>
> -----
>
>Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived and orphaned
>bunny
>and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from
>birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake
>was
>slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
>fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
>
>"Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
>you.
>You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going,
>and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
>
>"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as
>yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my
>mother.Tell
>you
>what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are,
>so at least you'll have that going for you."
>
>"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
>
>So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're
>covered
>with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches,
>and
>you
>have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
>
>"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
>"Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've
>helped
>me."
>
>So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and
>slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be a
>lawyer."
>
>======
>
>A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
>      particularly slow group of golfers.
>
>      Engineer:  What's with these guys?  We must have been waiting for 15
>                 minutes!
>>      Doctor:    I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
>
>      Priest:    Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.  Let's have a word with
>                 him.
>
>      Priest:    Hi George.  Say George, what's with that group ahead of us?
>                 They're rather slow aren't they?
>
>      George:    Oh yes.  That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost
>                 their sight while saving our club house last year.  So we
>                 let them play here anytime free of charge!
>
>      (silence)
>
>      Priest:    That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for
>                 them tonight.
>
>      Doctor:    Good idea.  And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
>                 buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
>
>      Engineer:  Why can't these guys play at night?
>
>=====
>
>Crossbred Dogs:
>
>Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditonal Christmans pet
>Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
>Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
>Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
>Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog
>fresh and clean as a whistle
>Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the
>choice of research scientists
>Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial
>advisors
>Terrier + Basset Hound= Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
>Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
>Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ...oh, well, it doesn't matter
>anyway
>Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
>Deerhound + Terrier= Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
>Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
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>
>
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>After intensive investigation on the parts of both Russia and the US,
>spokespersons from both space agencies have deterBullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
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>
>
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>After intensive investigation on the parts of both Russia and the US,
>spokespersons from both space agencies have determined the cause for the
>accident which has placed the station and its resident personnel in jeopardy.
>
>In terse statements at a recent press conference, Russian and US space
>agency spokespersons said Thursday, "We have concluded joint investigations
>concerning this potentially tragic accident and each nation's team,
>separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this incident."
>
>"The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only...
>
>OBJECTS IN MIR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."
>

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Christine Chandler                  Tele: (203) 432-3760
Vertebrate Paleontology             Fax:  (203) 432-9816
Yale Peabody Museum                 E-MAIL: christine.chandler at yale.edu
170 Whitney Ave., P.O. Box 208118
New Haven, Connecticut 06520-8118

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